my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
