dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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