You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
