i wish starbucks made bloody marys
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
