hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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