he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
