You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
