I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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