Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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