Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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