It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
