having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
