You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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