Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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