Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize