My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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