I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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