i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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