hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
