she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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