then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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