This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's official drugs can't kill me
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
