the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
