After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
