I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
