No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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