it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
