i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
