Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
