I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
