if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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