Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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