woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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