yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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