Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
