People in love make me want to vomit
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
