I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just threw up on my dentist
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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