i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
