I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
