If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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