3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
