apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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