I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
