Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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