my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
