hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
