I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
