Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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