if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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