4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
