did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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