If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
